


this should be a lot easier than it is

by flatwoods



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Angst, F/F, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Galaxy Gals, It's a soulmate au, M/M, Multi, idk where this is going just a heads up, sincerely three, sorry i bigtime abandoned this and i'd like to say i'd come back to it but i probably won't, this is my first fic please be nice to me
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-25
Updated: 2017-10-23
Packaged: 2018-12-06 19:04:16
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 9,861
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11607015
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flatwoods/pseuds/flatwoods
Summary: Hypothetically, your soulmate's first words to you are tattoed on your body from birth. And, of course, your first words to them are written on theirs.Hypothetically.(in other words this soulmate universe was not designed to handle common phrases or polyamory)





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> cw: mentions of suicidal thoughts/plans of suicide (it's connor so yeah)
> 
> i am typing this whole thing on my phone so sorry for typos, also i promise this will get better eventually

Connor expected his morning to be terrible.

It was his last day. Well, technically it was both his first and last day, but he didn't plan on sticking around long enough to see any more of senior year than the first eight hours. After that, he was clocking out. He'd been planning for ages--not really preparing or anything, but the date was set in his mind.

To be honest, Connor had kind of assumed he could get out of one day of school, but his mother picked the wrong day to actually parent. It wasn't like it mattered that much, though. He just had to make it through one day. He didn't expect anything major to happen. He didn't expect any surprises. He didn't expect anything to interfere with his plan.

And he definitely didn't expect that intervention to come in the form of Jared Kleinman.

Connor had walked into school already angry and somewhat high, which never really helped his impulse control. He found himself pacing the halls aimlessly, staring at the same chipped and banged-up lockers his school had probably had since its inception, scuffing his boots against the worn rubber floors. As he made his way down the same hallway for the third time, wishing his head would clear and considering ditching, a snide voice rang out behind him. "Hey, Connor."

Connor turned. He recognized the speaker--Jared Kleinsen or something. Kleinman. That was it. The kid sat in front of him in English and always spent the whole class watching YouTube videos on why the moon landing was faked and which senators were actually members of a shadowy world government run by lizardmen. They'd never actually spoken before, and Connor hadn't ever imagined them interacting, but now Jared was facing him with a confident but clearly practiced grin. He finished his sentence. "Loving the new hair length."

Connor's blood ran cold.

His hands started shaking. Instinctively, Connor's fingers went to the inside of his wrist, a place usually hidden by his frayed jacket sleeves. A little further up his arm, just above his elbow, lay his soulmate mark. Connor had memorized the words, as had everyone. And Jared Kleinman--Jared fucking Kleinman, of all people--had finally said them.

Oddly enough, Connor's mind stayed grounded, if stunted. He felt himself shutting down, his brain starting to run on autopilot. He just needed to leave. Connor could just walk out the doors and skip without saying a word back to Jared. He could ignore all of this. His conscious mind was running through this. But, of course, Kleinman had kept talking. And, of course, Connor's unconscious mind had to spit out a reply. 

"...it was a joke." Jared finished his school shooter joke, which Connor had just managed to work through, and was now staring at him. Before he could bite it back, Connor instinctively replied. "Oh no, it was funny. I'm laughing." Shit. Shit shit shit. He waited for a brief second for the other boy to react, for his face to change at all, but Jared stayed frozen in carefully choreographed smugness. "Am I not laughing hard enough for you?" He took a step forward, still waiting for some kind of sign. For a reaction. Any reaction. But he got nothing. Instead, Jared laughed uncomfortably. "You're such a freak," he said awkwardly before turning away. Connor's head buzzed. He couldn't think straight.  
Was Jared his soulmate? Did it even matter? Why hadn't Jared said anything, done anything? The air suddenly felt too thick, and the sounds of the hall verged on overwhelming. Connor's skin crawled. He felt like he could barely breathe, like he was a minute from choking. His chest hurt and his head was full of static and it was too much everything was too much how the fuck was he supposed to focus or breathe just breathe--

Someone was laughing.

Connor looked up to see the boy who had been with Jared--Evan, he thought his name was--turn away suddenly and stare at the ground. Anger rose to the surface and prickled his skin. "Why are you laughing?" All the pressure that had been building suddenly burst and before he knew it Connor was striding towards Evan and practically yelling over Evan's stuttering. A part of him knew he wasn't being fair, that he was lasting out at the nearest target, but a much bigger part of him didn't care. His vision went almost blurry as he shoved Evan aside. "I'm not the freak, you're the freak!" Connor's words seemed to reverberate in his skull, making his head ache and his ears feel like they were about to pop. He stormed past the boy on the floor and out the doors. He'd just skip first period or something--he just needed to clear his head. To calm down before he exploded at anyone else.


	2. Evan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan knew he'd been lying to himself.
> 
> Dear Evan Hansen, this is going to be a good day, and here's why...
> 
> The letters were supposed to build his confidence, but even while he was writing them, he didn't believe himself. He wasn't going to have a good day, he never did, because he was always himself, and that meant he would always screw up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank u to everyone who commented ily and i screenshotted all of them
> 
> here's the second chapter it might be formatted weird since again i'm typing this on my phone bc i love suffering apparently

Evan knew he'd been lying to himself.

Dear Evan Hansen, this is going to be a good day, and here's why...

The letters were supposed to build his confidence, but even while he was writing them, he didn't believe himself. He wasn't going to have a good day, he never did, because he was always himself, and that meant he would always screw up. So maybe that was what kept him from finishing his letter that morning, and maybe the guilt over skipping that was what led him to listen to his mother and slip a Sharpie in his pocket before he left for school.

Evan tried. Mostly for his mom's sake, but he tried, at the very least. He'd held half a conversation with Alana Beck, pen in hand, but didn't know where he should break in to ask her to sign his cast. Plus, he figured she didn't really want to talk to him anyway. She was probably waiting for Zoe to arrive, right? Why would a student with a 4.8 GPA want to talk to some loser with sweaty palms and a stutter when she could talk to her soulmate? So Evan let her talk and stayed mostly quiet. 

Jared walked up a little later. Evan kept trying, but all he got was a freaked-out stare and a painful reminder that he and Jared were family friends, emphasis on family. That Jared didn't actually want to hang out with him. Which, to be fair, Evan pretty much already knew. But it still hurt to have it spelled out like that. At that point, Evan was ready to give up. He'd tried, twice, and that was all the energy he could afford to expend. He started shutting out Jared and looking for escape routes. If he could just leave now, before he had to keep talking, before he started panicking and causing trouble for everyone else....

But before he could, Jared was talking to someone else, and that someone else--Connor Murphy, Zoe Murphy's brother--was talking back, angrily, and Evan knew that he needed to leave much more than he had before because this was conflict and if there was one thing guaranteed to make him freak it was conflict, and then Connor was staring at him, or maybe he wasn't, maybe he was just staring at the ground, or into the air, but that was weird, right? And Evan was the one who did weird things, not other people, so Connor was probably looking at him, he probably asked him a question or something, and Evan wasn't answering and what was he supposed to say and his hands were sweaty and his throat hurt so he coughed uncomfortably and tried to think of something to say but now Connor was looking up and Connor was angry--

"Why are you laughing?"

And then Evan just lost control completely.

He wasn't floating elsewhere, or anything. There was no deep recess of his mind for Evan to sink into. He didn't get a moment to process what had happened, not that he would be able to in a single moment anyway. No, instead Evan was suddenly hyperaware of everything around him, but he couldn't do anything about it. The fluorescent light above him was suddenly too bright, the shouts of students passing him in the hall became an overwhelming rush, the squeak of the linoleum underneath his sneakers jarring and painful. He was stammering something out, but not real, full words, which he was thankful for. Connor was still coming towards him, but Evan couldn't focus enough to discern what he was saying or why he was suddenly moving very fast.

This couldn't be happening.

And then Evan was on the ground, and Connor was walking away, and his head was spinning, and Evan's hand found his way to his soulmate mark on his chest as he tried not to cry.

 

The rest of the day passed, well, not in a blur, but it passed. Eventually, Evan found himself printing his letter for therapy. He kind of doubted he'd use it. He was angry, and tired, and scared, and frustrated, and probably a lot of other feelings that he couldn't name quite so easily. The letter had just poured from his fingers. Evan stood up from the computer and went to pick it off the printer.

He looked to the side and there was Connor Murphy.

"So, um, what happened to your arm?"

 _oh god oh god oh god not now_ "Uh, I fell out of a tree?" The lie slipped out before he remembered that he wasn't supposed to be talking to Connor, because if he talked back Connor would know that Evan was his soulmate, and then...

Well. He didn't know what would happen then, but he assumed it would be terrible, because no one would want Evan as a soulmate, so he watched Connor's face and braced himself for the worst. But Connor remained impassive. "...You fell out of a tree?"

"Uh, yeah." Evan felt lightheaded. Didn't he know? Was he wrong? Was someone else destined to ask Evan why he was laughing? That wasn't really a common thing to say to a stranger. Was it? He kept holding his breath, but Connor carried on. "Well, that's just the saddest fucking thing I've ever heard." Evan shrugged uncomfortably, still not quite understanding exactly what was going on.  
"No one's, uh, signed your cast," Connor continued.

Feeling somewhat dazed, Evan let Connor sign his cast. Connor looked at him as he finished. "Maybe now we can both pretend we have a friend."  
"Yeah, that's..." Evan trailed off. Connor was holding a piece of paper under his arm. As he watched, horrified, the taller boy grabbed the paper and held it out to him. "Uh, is this yours? It was on the printer and it has your name  
on it..." Evan's blood froze. Connor looked at him expectantly. Evan made a desperate grab for the page, but Connor was already pulling it back. "It's just something I have to write, it's a stupid assignment--" Evan stammered half an explanation as Connor glanced down the paper. 

"And then there's Connor?" Connor stared at Evan in shock. "Connor Murphy, _of all people_ , who might be my--" He took a step back, shoulders tight, looking betrayed. Evan was shaking his head, but Connor was already talking over him.  
"You...you knew I would find this."  
"No, please, I didn't, it's just--"  
"You and Kleinman... you set this up." Evan kept stuttering his way trough a half-baked answer, but Connor kept going, already convinced he understood exactly what was going on.  
"One of you saw--the hallway, did you do that too? And you knew I would find this, and you wrote some creepy shit about me to get me to freak out, is that it?" Connor was yelling.  
"No, why would I--why would I want that?" Evan was practically begging Connor to stop, to just give him the letter back, but Connor pushed him back. "So you can tell everybody that I'm crazy!" 

Evan grabbed at Connor's arm and kept talking, babbling desperately in a final attempt to get him to just _give the letter back, he really needed it, please,_ but Connor shoved him aside and for the second time that day Evan watched Connor stride away angrily as he fought back panic and was left completely alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> me: i should write some sincerely three fluff!! maybe i'll write a full fic//  
> me: (writes this)
> 
> if u liked it please comment i love all of you
> 
> Edit: why is ao3 stacking my notes i have no idea


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jared was never going to find his soulmate.
> 
> He'd kind of given up looking before he'd properly started, and that was all Evan Hansen's fault.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this is so late i was traveling;; also the formatting is probably really weird for the dialogue bit bc i'm doing this on my phone so sorry about that
> 
> ty to everyone who left kudos and especially to everyone who commented!! i save them all

Jared was never going to find his soulmate.

He'd kind of given up looking before he'd properly started, and that was all Evan Hansen's fault.

When they'd met as kids, the first thing Evan had done was ask Jared "would you--mind if i sit here?" The first thing Jared had done was jump out of his seat and scream at Evan to tell him his soulmate mark. Evan had almost cried, but eventually managed to tell him that it was "why are you laughing?" Jared had actually cried when he realized that he didn't coincidentally find his soulmate at age 7 after all. But it was a coincidence, right? Surely someone else would happen to stumble over their words a little when sitting down next to him.  
_Would you mind if I sit here?_ Not too unusual.

Right?

Except it was. No one else had said quite that exact phrasing in the years since Evan and Jared had met, and in the meantime...

...in the meantime, Jared had started wondering what would've happened if Evan had actually been his soulmate after all. In the meantime, Jared had noticed how Evan pulled at the hem of his shirt when he was nervous, and how he breathed right after speaking to a stranger (quickly and through his mouth, and then slowly and very deliberately, like he'd realized how fast he'd been breathing before and was trying to make up for it), and how he always brought his shoulders together tightly before entering a room and visibly relaxed right after he'd left. Jared noticed how Evan bit his lip when looking for a word sometimes, and how he'd start rambling and would either be interrupted or stop in the middle of a sentence completely of his own accord, like his anxiety had briefly stepped out and allowed Evan to speak freely for just a moment before coming back. Jared noticed how Evan's hair was always lighter right after the summer because he spent as much time as possible outside, and he noticed the freckles across the bridge of Evan's nose and his bright eyes and chapped lips and oh, shit, this was what people called a crush. A fucking massive crush.

Secretly, Jared started hoping that maybe Evan had lied. Maybe he'd been too nervous to admit to someone he just met that they were soulmates. But then again, if he did have Jared's words as his soulmate mark, he would've told him by then, right? The only reason he wouldn't was if he didn't want Jared as a soulmate. Unless Evan didn't know how to confess to Jared that he'd lied and was waiting for the right time, the right moment, and had just been waiting too long... Jared spent years running around in logical circles until his hopes were shattered in seventh grade, when the two happened to have gym together and he caught a glimpse of Evan's chest in the locker room. Written across it were the same words Evan had said when they first met. _Why are you laughing?_ Jared stopped hoping after that.

But of course it wasn't that easy, and his stupid goddamn crush wouldn't dissipate. And as time went on and his feelings got worse, Jared started to realize that he was kind of an asshole, and that sooner or later, Evan was going to leave him. Jared didn't know what he'd do when that happened. Evan wasn't just some crush. Evan was his only friend. Other kids barely tolerated him. Camp was a nightmare. So he'd redefined their relationship as "family friends." Jared kept talking to Evan because of his car insurance, not because he was desperate and lonely and didn't even know how to talk to people, much less have friends. And Evan couldn't just stop hanging out with him because they were _family_ friends and so their relationship was out of either of their hands.

It was a really shitty thing to do, Jared knew. But he also knew he wasn't going to change. He knew he'd been mean to Evan this morning, but he hadn't really meant to be at first. Everyone else seemed to know where to draw the line--what was funny, what was entertaining, what was cruel--but Jared just sort of didn't. Although Evan didn't really either, he reflected. What even was that story he'd told earlier about how he'd broken his arm? _Jesus Christ._ It was probably the most depressing thing he'd heard in weeks.

Speaking of Evan, Jared's laptop started pinging. He swiveled around to grab it from its open position on his bed, finally shifting from the position he'd been in while he'd drifted into thought while he pretended to do his homework. Why was Evan, of all people, calling him? The guy couldn't even order delivery online, much less talk over the phone. Jared swung the computer onto his desk as he answered. He'd managed to drop his phone into a lake while at camp, so he'd started taking calls with his laptop until he bought a new one. 

"What's up, Acorn?"  
"Jared, I--um--I screwed up, I screwed up really badly."  
"What'd you do, shake hands with Zoe Murphy without drying your hands first?"  
"Why--Jared, I don't--that's not what this is about. I, uh..." Evan trailed off. Jared waited while the other boy took a series of shaky breaths on the other end. "I, uh, I had to write this letter? For--it was an assignment, for, um, for therapy. And I, I went to the library, I was in the library because I--I had to print it out, you know, and um, I actually--I ran into Connor, uh, Connor Murphy. And he, uh--"  
"You ran into _Connor Murphy?_ Wait, is this some kind of sexuality crisis?" Evan sputtered.  
"Jared, what--no, that isn't--what? Wait, no, I--" Jared cut him off before he could panic. "I'm kidding, Evan. It was a joke. So you ran into Connor Murphy, of all people."  
"Right, yeah. So I ran into Connor, and I'd just printed this letter, and he saw it on the printer and it had my name on it and he--he started reading it and then he, um. He took it." Evan fell silent.  
"Wait, it was a letter? A letter to who?"  
"Um. It was a letter to myself? It's--"  
"A letter _to yourself?_ What, is it a sex thing?"  
"Is it a--Jared, it isn't a--it's a therapy thing, it's an assignment!"  
"Okay, whatever. So why do you care if Murphy took your weird sex letter?" He continued over Evan's protests, spinning aimlessly in his chair. "Just print another one."  
Evan stayed silent for long enough that Jared began wondering whether or not he was even going to answer. Just as he was about to ask if Evan was still there, Evan answered. "I wrote about, um--I think Connor might. I _thought_ he might be my soulmate."  
Jared felt laughter bubbling up as he struggled to respond. Something went cold in his gut, but he snickered as he answered, unable to hold back his laughter for reasons he couldn't explain. "Connor Murphy--Connor Murphy, of all people--is your soulmate?"  
"No, I don't think he is because he didn't react when I said something to him, and then he looked at the letter and he saw that I thought he was my soulmate, and then he--he got mad, and I think he thought I was making fun of him or something. Actually, he thought you were in on it too for some reason--" Evan stopped talking as Jared kept laughing. _Fuck._ So Evan had found his soulmate. Good for him. 

Evan kept talking at him, explaining how actually Connor wasn't his soulmate but he was probably going to do something with the letter and what was he going to do what was Evan supposed to do? Jared cut him off mid-rant. "Evan. Just call him. Jesus."  
"I--I don't like talking on the phone, and I don't even have his number." Evan hesitated. Jared knew he was considering it. He kicked the floor, spinning back towards his laptop. "Calm down, I'll get the number. Sit tight, acorn." Evan started to protest, but he gave up quickly. Jared felt the cold feeling in the bottom of his stomach worsen. Whatever. It didn't matter. His stupid fucking crush didn't matter.

He shoved it down and started typing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> me, projecting my inability to tell when i have a crush on someone onto jared? never
> 
> i wrote this in random chunks when i could so uh. sorry if this makes zero sense


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor really didn't know what to expect when his phone started buzzing.
> 
> He didn't have any friends. His parents were a room over and within yelling distance if they needed him. The number, though unfamiliar, had his area code, which ruled out _telemarketer_ and _automated survey_ as options. It was past 10, making it unlikely that any local business or school was still open.
> 
> So who the fuck was calling him?
> 
> If he'd been thinking straight, he would've just ignored the phone; he was frazzled from the day's events, though, and answered instinctively, kicking himself as he did so. If that kid in the hall hadn't talked to him, if he hadn't read that damn paper, if whoever it was on the other end had just picked literally any other day to call... but it was too late for that. Connor heard himself answer the phone and prepared to just hang up if he didn't like what he heard on the other end. It wasn't like pissing anyone off was going to matter in the long run. He waited for the other person to reply.
> 
> And felt his breath catch in his throat as they did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aghh this is so much later than i wanted it to be sorry. some stuff happened and i wont have a laptop until school starts so writing this is A Struggle rip
> 
> im going back to school soon which means...these chapters will probably speed up because i love procrastinating so thats... good i guess
> 
> also there is a very brief mention of connor's previous plan to commit suicide in this chapter but it is literally one sentence, there's nothing major. i figured i should mention it tho

Connor really didn't know what to expect when his phone started buzzing.

He didn't have any friends. His parents were a room over and within yelling distance if they needed him. The number, though unfamiliar, had his area code, which ruled out _telemarketer_ and _automated survey_ as options. It was past 10, making it unlikely that any local business or school was still open.

So who the fuck was calling him?

If he'd been thinking straight, he would've just ignored the phone; he was frazzled from the day's events, though, and answered instinctively, kicking himself as he did so. If that kid in the hall hadn't talked to him, if he hadn't read that damn paper, if whoever it was on the other end had just picked literally any other day to call... but it was too late for that. Connor heard himself answer the phone and prepared to just hang up if he didn't like what he heard on the other end. It wasn't like pissing anyone off was going to matter in the long run. He waited for the other person to reply.

And felt his breath catch in his throat as they did.

"Hey, Connor."

Of all people. Jared _fucking_ Kleinman.

"How did you get this number." His voice came out flat, like he wasn't even asking a question. Jared laughed a little on the other end.

"You know, our school stores our phone numbers that they have on record right on the website? Like, it's right there. You just need a faculty login, and it's not like those are hard to get."

"What the fuck--why the fuck are you calling me?" Connor felt his heart skip a beat in his chest, remembering how emotionless Jared had been in the hallway. Surely if they were soulmates, if Jared had met his match in Connor and was just calling _now_ to tell him, surely his face would've betrayed something in that moment. This couldn't be about that.

"Whoa, this isn't about _me_ ," Jared answered, right on cue. Connor flinched a little at the coincidental (and somewhat creepy) timing. "This is about Evan." Connor's heart jumps again. So he was right, at the library, when he thought he'd been set up, he was right, because if they were both in on this fucked-up soulmate situation and if Jared was calling him about it--but why was Jared calling, anyway, didn't they get what they wanted out of him, the freak-out at the library wasn't enough or--

A rustling on the other end. And then: "Hi. Um. Sorry."

"Sorry for _what_?" Connor spits out instinctively, recognizing Evan's voice a split second after. He almost repeats the question when he realizes it's actually what he desperately wants to know. What the hell are the two playing at?

"Uh. Sorry, um, for--being weird, I guess, and--writing that letter before talking to you, because that, that must've seemed really creepy to you? And. Um. Sorry for, um, for not--for not being, um, sorry for not being clear, or--no, sorry for, just, not being--"

"Okay, stop apologizing." He took a deep breath and tried to soothe his nerves for at least a moment. "What the fuck is going on?"

"Oh, um, what you said to me. In the hallway. 'Why are you laughing?' It's, um, my soulmate mark. So I thought, maybe--but I'm guessing not since you didn't, since you didn't get what was going on, so..." Evan trailed off. Connor could hear some muttered words on the other end, just slightly too far away for the phone to pick up properly.

"So, wait. Back in the hallway, when Kleinman started talking about my hair--" There was a muffled snort from the other end, followed by Evan's indistinct voice saying something somewhat angrily. 

"Connor--sorry, um, Jared just overheard you. He, uh, he said I should call you, and then he got your number but I thought it would be weird to call you, so, um. He came over to my house, and he... he talked me into it!"

"He made you call me."

"He dialed the number while I begged him not to, yes."

"Well, your asshole friend aside--" Connor talked over a few protests from the other boy, something about family-- "I still have a question."

"Right, the hallway...?"

"Jared was the one who said that, right? Not you?"

"Oh, uh, yeah, that was--that was Jared." Connor felt--disappointed, maybe? Was he disappointed?

"...Okay. One more thing. How do I know you two aren't fucking with me?"

"I--we're not, I wouldn't--"

"Look, just send me a picture of your soulmate mark." Connor sighed and fell back onto his bed. He knew he was being an asshole, but really? The whole situation was too perfectly coincidental to be true.

"Oh, um, I'll text you, no--no problem. I'll, um, I'll see you tomorrow?"

"Yeah, sure," Connor answered before he realized was doing. He stared at his phone as the other boy hung up.

Shit.

\--

Five minutes later, his phone buzzed again with a photo of the words 'Why are you laughing?' in neat font across Evan's chest, captioned with ";)) like what u see?" It was followed by five apology texts from Evan explaining that Jared had his phone. Connor tossed it onto his bed and sat up, stretching his legs. So Evan hadn't been lying about his mark, but assuming he wasn't lying about the hallway, he wasn't Connor's soulmate. Which left Jared, but why would he go through the trouble of getting Evan to call Connor if Connor was Jared's soulmate? So Connor probably hadn't found his soulmate, unless Jared was playing some kind of weird mind game, or Evan was lying...

He was getting nowhere. There was really only one person he could consult about this, one person who he knew had actually met their soulmate and who'd (hopefully) be willing to talk to him about them. Taking a deep breath and trying to psych himself up, he left his room and walked down the hall to knock on his sister's door.

"Hey, Zoe?" Connor called cautiously. He waited by the door for a few seconds, his hands tense. He couldn't blame her for not wanting to talk to him, obviously. He'd been...

Well. He'd been a shitty brother. And he'd done a lot of shitty things. Zoe definitely didn't want to talk to him. Connor dropped his hand and turned to leave, but stopped as he heard a door open behind him. "What is it?"

 

"Is it... okay if I come inside? I wanted to ask you something." She stared at him, her eyes boring holes in his chest. Any second now she was going to shut the door in his face, and Connor braced himself for the sound of it slamming. Instead, though, she swung it open. "Okay, what's this about?" He entered slowly, glancing around at her room, which he barely saw. She had three bookshelves--three, and they were all stuffed with books, he hadn't realized she had so many--and her walls were plastered with various posters. Star charts and famous musicians and bands he hadn't heard of and movies that he'd been told were classics but hadn't ever gotten around to watching. Her desk was neat in the middle but was lined with overflowing jars of pens and pencils. He noticed a miniature constellation of stars drawn onto one corner in what looked like Sharpie. Zoe sat down hard on her bed, arms crossed, her posture defensive. "Well?" Connor sunk into a purple beanbag chair sitting haphazardly in a corner. "I wanted to ask you about--" He took a deep breath. "I wanted to ask you about soulmates."

Zoe stayed silent for a long moment. Slowly, a huge, disbelieving grin spread across her face. "You wanted to ask me about--"

"Shut the fuck up! Jesus!" Zoe cut off her sentence, smile dropping from her face. Shit. He hadn't meant it like that. 

"...I wanted to ask you about what it's like when you meet your soulmate." The sentence felt like lead, falling hard between them and sinking into his stomach. He should've apologized, he should've said sorry, but would that really change anything, why would she listen to him, why would she care--

"Care to be more a little more specific?" Sarcasm dripped off Zoe's voice, and Connor could tell she was trying not to show that she was hurt, but she sounded brittle underneath. He took another shaky breath before answering. How did people calm their nerves? It wasn't like he could cut off the conversation by saying 'Zoe, sorry to end this, but can we hit pause for a moment? I need to go get high so I can finish my question, assuming that I don't completely lose my hold on my temper and start screaming at you as I've done in the past.'

Yeah. Not an option.

"...When you meet your soulmate, can you, like, tell?" Zoe stared at him blankly. "So, Connor, I'm not sure if you knew this, but there's this thing called a _soulmate mark_ \--"

"I mean aside from that, obviously." Zoe's gaze softened a little. "Is this about not wanting to end up like our parents?"

Both Murphy siblings knew their parents weren't soulmates. Their mom's mark was "Excuse me?" and their dad's was "What did you say?". As the years went on, it became increasingly obvious that their meeting was a coincidence and nothing more, but neither Larry nor Cynthia would admit that their marriage was probably a mistake. They just allowed themselves to grow slowly unhappier together.

Neither Murphy sibling wanted that to be their future.

"No--I mean, yeah, kinda, but not really. There's... a really fucked-up situation happening right now and I don't really know how to explain it, unless you want to hear me try for half an hour." Zoe's eyebrows wrinkled. "Actually, scratch that, I really don't feel like explaining it."

"...Well, I'm sorry to break it to you, but there isn't a magic spark or anything. I mean, with Alana, I just..." Zoe blushed, looking down. "I just started talking to her, and after a little while, the idea that we were soulmates... it started to make a lot of sense." Connor rocked forwards on his feet, cutting her off before she could get mushy.

"Yeah, I get it, you're in love with your girlfriend. Thanks anyway, I guess." He stood and stretched. "Fuck, those chairs are terrible for your back." Zoe snickered. "You sound like Larry."

"God, don't say that."

"Are you afraid of the truth?" Zoe tossed a pillow at him. Connor caught it and hurled it back.

"What the fuck, Zo." She caught it and leaned back on her bed, looking a little smug. "You're just denying it because--"

"Okay! Leaving now! Thanks for the help, bye!" Connor shut the door behind him and exhaled, closing his eyes for a moment. Something ached deep in his chest. 

He wasn't any closer to figuring anything out. The tangled mess he'd somehow gotten stuck in was exactly the same, minus his one hope of unknotting it. He didn't want to be dealing with this right now. Hell, he hadn't even planned on being _alive_ right now.

And yet, for some reason, he felt a little better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello my name is spiderpile and i'd kill for zoe murphy
> 
> other people: have outlines for their fics, plan shit, have an endgame  
> me, a fucking gremlin: no idea what im doing, zero plans, only thinks about specific fluff far in the future and not plot, forgets everything the moment i see a screen
> 
> pls comment if u like this chapter im gay and a desperate fuck, also lmk if you wanna see anything specific in this fic! i cant guarantee anything but im very open to suggestions!!


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is later than i wanted it to be (title of my autobiography)
> 
> little did you know... "this should be a lot easier than it is" actually refers to me writing this fic
> 
> thanks to everyone who commented i wanted to reply but im full of social anxiety, rest assured i read all of them and like cried

Evan wanted to hit his head against his locker, but that would be weird and people would stare, so he didn't. He just kind of imagined hitting his head against his locker.

_Stupid._

Why had he even called Connor? Why had he listened to Jared in the first place? And why the hell did he say "see you tomorrow"? Connor definitely didn't want to see him again, not after... whatever last night had been. Not after that fucking trainwreck of a conversation that Evan had screwed up just like he always did whenever he tried to talk to anyone, and he shouldn't've listened to Jared--and it was kind of Jared's fault anyway, he was the one who sent that _stupid_ text, and Evan tried to apologize but Connor had stopped responding because he'd weirded Connor out probably, because he was a weirdo who couldn't even shake hands because his palms were always sweaty because he was anxious all the time even when he was just standing there--and fuck, he was just standing there, staring, for like thirty seconds, and that was so fucking weird how was he supposed to see Connor like this he should just go home and cut his losses now, right?

Evan took a long breath. He wasn't going to cut class. He would just...head to class early, right now, and just not look for Connor or anything and if they had actually never once spoken before yesterday, then it was unlikely they'd run into each other sometime during the day. And then Evan could just go to therapy and write some bullshit letter and pretend none of this ever happened, and everything would be fine. It was all definitely going to be fine.

"...Hey."

Evan practically jumped out of his skin. He turned slowly to the right and _fuck,_ Connor was _right there_ and his hair was _in a bun why was it up in a bun it wasn't like that yesterday_ and shit he was staring.

"UH. Hi. Connor." Evan took a breath. 

"I'm, uh, I'm--"  
"I wanted to--" They both cut off, staring at each other. Evan coughed. "You can, um, you can go first!" He winced at the sound of his voice. _Why did he phrase it like that, why did he sound so upbeat at the end, why was he still staring at Connor_ \--

"Right. So. I wanted to apologize for being a dick last night and making you send me a photo and shit." Connor finished his sentence staring at the ground, right hand tight around his left wrist.

"Well, I wanted to apologize for calling you, and being weird, and making you uncomfortable. And also saying 'see you tomorrow' at the end of that phonecall, because I don't really think you'd want to see me, because I'm..."

"...a loser?" Connor offered.

"Uh, I was actually going to say nerd, but--loser works too." Connor set his bag down and leaned against the locker next to Evan's. "Don't worry about it. It's--it's fine." He brushed a stray piece of hair behind his ear with _long fingers, fuck, and his nail polish looked really good as did his hair and fuck what was happening_ and continued. "I mean, it's not like I have any friends." The two stood in silence for a moment. "I mean, you do have friends." Connor looked directly at Evan, the eye contact making him want to look down or at Connor's shirt or at the lockers or pretty much anywhere else. He stood there for just slightly longer than was normal, taking too long to backtrack through his mind and retrieve the snippet of conversation from a second earlier. "No, um. I really don't." Connor snorted a little.

"What about Kleinman? Aren't you two, like, partners in crime or whatever?" Connor waved his hands around sarcastically, and Evan wasn't great at reading social cues but he was pretty damn sure Connor's shoulders were tense and his movements were a little too fast to be as casual as Connor was trying to pass them off as.

"Um, actually, we're just--we're just family friends, Jared's, uh--he's made that very clear, believe me." Connor shot him a questioning glance _eye contact again fuck did he hold his eyes there was he supposed to match his gaze or was that weird was he being creepy_ and dropped his hands. "...Really? Because making you call me was a dick move, but I wouldn't think a family friend would be so invested in your love life." Evan choked a little.

"Look, I didn't expect him to do... uh, _that_ , I just freaked out after you took my letter--which I'm really sorry about writing, by the way, it was--creepy and--"

"Okay, no more apologizing," Connor interrupted. "If anyone should be sorry about anyone who happened with the letter, it's--"

"Actually, I'm pretty sure you just said no more apologizing, so--" Evan cut himself off before he could finish his own sentence. "Wait, no, that was rude, I'm--"

"No apologizing." The start of a sardonic grin crept onto Connor's face as he watched Evan's expression. "You want to apologize for apologizing right now, don't you."

"I, um. I do, yes," Evan answered, nodding. Connor half-laughed and pushed himself off the lockers, leaning over to grab his back. "Well. I'm gonna, ah, head to class." He swung the bag over his shoulder and started walking past Evan before pausing to glance back at him. "I'll... I'll see you around, I guess." Connor turned and walked off.

Evan let out a breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding. He felt almost dizzy. Why couldn't he just talk like a normal person--why did Connor stop, why did he say that, why did he want to talk to Evan again-- _what the fuck had happened back there why was he staring at Connor and his hair and his fingers what the fuck--_

Evan took a few breaths and tried to reason with himself. Connor didn't hate him as far as he could tell. That was good. And--

And they weren't soulmates. So this, whatever this was, it would stop eventually. Preferably sooner rather than later, but it was inevitable. Just like Zoe Murphy and eighth grade all over again.

Right?

Right.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> continuity errors? in MY fics? its more likely than you'd think. ((actually i don't think theres anything in this chapter but i had to go back and edit something small lmao)) this is a lot shorter than i wanted it to be but it took me forever for some reason so
> 
> me, a useless lesbian who dies every time i see a girl: what if evan.... with connor
> 
> also this is a dumb question but does anyone have music recommendations for writing fics? im struggling with not getting distracted while writing lol


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> jESUS this is late and im really sorry. basically i wrote most of this, accidentally deleted it when i restarted my computer like a dumbass, and couldn't get the motivation to rewrite everything for a while. and then when i did i got slammed by school for like a week because the American school system is hell on all fronts. anyway im very sorry about this

Jared wasn't eating lunch _alone._

He was sitting with other people, technically. Sure, he just kind of hung around them and interjected jokes no one laughed at into their conversations, but he was eating lunch at the same table as them, so he wasn't that pathetic, right? (He couldn't really say he was eating with them, because he was a few seats away from them, but he was close enough.) And he was fine with his situation. He didn't need anything unexpected added, like Connor Murphy deciding to sit next to him.

Jared spotted the taller boy from across the cafeteria at first, grabbing a soggy sandwich wrapped in plastic before glancing around, eventually heading in Jared's general direction. For a brief moment, Jared entertained the thought that maybe Connor was actually going towards him intentionally, but immediately dismissed it. The only direct interaction they'd had involved Jared calling Connor a school shooter. He turned back to his phone, idly chewing on the school's rubbery pasta as he scrolled through Instagram, barely registering the conversation around him. It took his brain a few seconds to backtrack when he thought he heard Connor's voice.

"So I take it Evan's not here?"

Jared looked up, startled, after a pause that was just a little too long. "Why th--no, he eats in the library or something." Connor moved his head a bit in acknowledgement--kind of a half-nod--and started to move to go. "No, wait. Why'd you want to know?" Connor paused for a brief moment, licking his lips once as he clearly struggled to think of an answer. Jared interjected before he could continue. "Oh my god, this is--you talked more. This is about the..." He trailed off, remembering who he was sitting by. If Evan and Connor weren't soulmates (which was still up in the air, given that Connor could be lying about Evan's words not matching his and given that he was standing in front of Jared this very moment asking for Evan's whereabouts) he wasn't sure he wanted news spreading that they were. That would be pretty fucking bad for Evan's reputation. He didn't need to finish his sentence, though--Connor was already leaning over him, half-bent over the table to meet Jared's eyes. Jared half-expected Connor's long hair to come swinging forward, but it didn't; he realized that the other boy had it up in a bun.

"Could you maybe not fucking _announce_ \--"

"Relax, I'm not saying anything. Chill out. Go... smoke some weed under the bleachers or something." Connor eased into the seat across Jared's. "Do you actually think I'd bother smoking under the bleachers?"

"I mean, yeah? Weed and looking like you shop exclusively at Hot Topic are, like, your brand."

"I'd just leave school, not smoke under the--"

"Did you just defend your reputation by saying that you'd cut class to smoke weed?" Jared snorted. Connor rolled his eyes. "So, I'm guessing your entire exposure to marijuana has been through bad teen movies and you've never seen pot in person in your life." Before Jared could interject, Connor held up a hand to cut him off. "Or--wait--you smoked, like, half a joint at church camp once, had a vaguely negative experience and probably wouldn't do it again, even if you knew where to get weed in the first place, but you still hold onto that experience as proof that you're not entirely naive." Connor finished, setting his hand flat on the table and leaning back somewhat triumphantly. Jared fell silent for a few seconds before looking back at Connor's smug face.

"...It was Hebrew camp, actually." Connor stared at him for a long moment before cracking up. "Oh my god."

"Hey, fuck you!" But Jared was laughing too, until he remembered that he was still sitting next to other people who were definitely staring at him laughing with Connor Murphy. Fuck. His skin started to prickle.

"Anyway, why are you here?" Connor looked distracted, tapping his manicured nails on the table in front of them. “Hm? Oh. Yeah.” His face shifted into something a little more anxious than it had been before. “Can we, uh… can we talk about this somewhere else?” Jared raised an eyebrow. Connor caught his expression and shot back a glare, swinging his long legs out from under their table and stretching as he stood. “Look, are you coming or not?”

“Calm down, Murphy, I’m coming. Jesus.” Jared picked up his tray and navigated his way through the crowded cafeteria, dumping some uneaten food in a trash can and shoving past a freshman bigger than he was to drop off his tray before turning back to meet Connor, who was standing there with an amused expression creeping across his face.

“You know, I’m pretty fucking sure that guy you pushed could beat you up.” Without waiting for a response, Connor headed for the double doors leading out of the lunchroom.

“It’s not whether or not he could physically beat me up that matters. It’s if he’s got the willpower. Everyone here’s dead inside by now, especially the freshmen. They’re straight out of middle school.” The pair exited the cafeteria, Jared throwing a glance over his shoulder back at his table as they did. No one seemed to be staring at his leaving with Connor Murphy. Hopefully nothing would spread about this. Still, Jared knew better than to assume that just because no one was visibly staring, word wouldn’t get around. He sighed and raked a hand through his hair. “So, Hot Topic—“

“That’s the second time in the past handful of minutes that you’ve referenced Hot Topic. You’re running out of material.” Connor still didn’t turn to look at the shorter boy, but his eyes slid towards Jared.

“I can’t help the fact that you’re giving me incredible material.” Connor let out a snort.

“Kleinman, you dress like a middle-aged dad with two kids who still thinks he’s in his mid-thirties and that khakis are dressy.” Jared put a hand to his chest.

“Wow. Unnecessarily specific and also hurtful.” He paused for a moment, eyeing Connor. “But seriously, what’s your deal? You dress in all black, you have the—the hair, and the nails, you fucking lose it on anyone who talks to you the wrong way, you throw printers at people—I mean, do you just not want friends, or…?” Jared felt Connor take a step in front of him and then stop, blocking his path. “Oh, yeah, I’m the one who doesn’t want friends.” Connor’s voice was sharp and sarcastic, but a little too much so—like he was pushing it too hard, and it was cracking at the edges. “Because you definitely are _best friends_ with those people at your lunch table back there, because that really looked like _friendship_ to me.” 

Jared had been looking at Connor—his face, his shoulders, the tension in his fingers and his throat—but he hadn’t really looked at Connor’s eyes, not for long enough to really process anything, and when he did look in the moment of silence while Connor’s words were still ringing through the empty hallway he didn’t expect Connor to be staring back. Jared jerked his eyes away, his heart suddenly pounding, looking anywhere else (Connor’s wrist, looking at his wrist, he was gripping his wrist with the other white-knuckled hand) while he tried to figure out why he was so much more rattled than his usual discomfort after eye contact.

Was it Connor’s heterochromia, maybe, the fact that it matched his? He hadn’t met too many people with his condition before—he certainly hadn’t noticed Connor’s. That must’ve been it, and if it wasn’t he’d have to deal with that later because the silence had stretched for long enough, and a part of Jared knew he was thinking about this because he just didn’t want to respond to what Connor had said. Because he was right, Murphy was right, and Jared was caught off-guard and would’ve usually just shouted “fuck you!” or something along those lines but he’d waited too long now and he didn’t know what to say, because he didn’t expect _Connor Murphy_ to be the one to call him on his lack of friends—and in that silent moment, a subroutine somewhere in his mind that had been running interference saw its chance to speak up, so instead of yelling back or storming off Jared suddenly asked, “Where are we?”

“I, um—I don’t know.” Connor was visibly taken aback, his voice switching completely in a single moment. “I mean, I know this hallway—“ Connor gestured around, his movements stiff and choppy like his words had become. “But I wasn’t going here, or anywhere in particular.” His arm fell. “I was following you, so—“

“Wait, you’re the one who needed to talk to me, I was following you—“

“I just said, we needed to talk away from people, I didn’t--“

“Jesus fucking Christ.” Jared took a deep breath, the tension from a few moments before still unresolved but pushed to the background for now. He could compartmentalize. He’d spent his life compartmentalizing. “Just—what did you want to tell me? This hallway’s empty.”

Connor blinked, leaning back against a locker as he fiddled with the sleeves of his jacket. “Oh. Uh, I just. I just wanted to make sure you weren’t planning on telling anyone about… yeah. You know.”

“…I’m pretty sure I agreed to that back in the cafeteria? In case you forgot? You leaned over me. The whole thing was very intimidating.” Connor didn’t laugh. (Of course he didn’t.)

“I’m serious. Don’t drop hints, or start rumors, or joke about this to anyone. Don’t say anything.” The edge to Connor’s voice was back, like he was on the verge of breaking. It was just softer this time. Jared put his hands up in mock surrender. “Message received, loud and clear.”

Connor was lying, obviously. There was no way that he’d walked Jared out here to just say that, especially not with the way he was acting now—still playing with his jacket, digging his fingers into his wrist. It was pretty clear what he was likely to be lying about, too, but Jared wasn’t ready to face that quite yet.

Jared stirred a bit, moving to leave. “I have class soonish, and my bag’s in my locker, so…” Connor pushed himself off the wall as well. “Right, yeah. Me too.” The taller boy turned on one heel, about to walk away.

“Hey, uh, for what it’s worth, I kinda hated Mrs. G.” Connor froze halfway through a step, turning just his head halfway back. “What?”

“Y’know, the second grade teacher you, ah, threw a printer at? Her.” Connor half-laughed as he faced Jared again, like he wasn’t sure whether or not Jared was being serious. “Honestly! She did this thing, right before winter break, she kept saying ‘Merry Christmas!’ And I was like, I’m Jewish, bitch.” Connor snickered. “Wait, this is coming back to me. You—“

“—I yelled, in class, don’t forget—“

“—don’t forget Hanukkah! Right, right.”

“She gave me stinkeye for that! She glared at me! Who glares at a small, Jewish second grader? I was like eight!” 

“To be fair, you were an obnoxious fucking eight-year-old.”

“Uh, to be fair, I didn’t throw the printer.” Jared started stepping away for the second time, suddenly aware that people were beginning to fill the previously barren hallway. There were likely only a few minutes left until the bell. “Anyway, class.”

“Yeah. Uh, see you around.” Connor half-raised an arm before stiffly lowering it, as though he’d changed his mind halfway through a wave. Jared rolled his eyes as he finally turned and left, suppressing a snort. Connor Murphy was a fucking dork.

He was also lying.

And Jared was going to have to deal with that eventually.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> jared "oblivious to my own attraction" kleinman
> 
> if i don't ACCIDENTALLY DELETE AN ENTIRE CHAPTER again bc im an idiot the next one should definitely be sooner. unless i get buried in school again,, anyway yeah im Dying sorry
> 
> also all your comments gave me the motivation i needed to rewrite this shit so yeah!! thanks!!!


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *crawls out of a hole* hey guys
> 
> this is bad and short. theres a kind of explanation at the end i promise

Connor supposed that after walking up to Jared the other day, it was only fair that the other boy got a chance to surprise him.

He’d been walking to school, alone, far earlier than anyone driving would’ve left—and that included pretty much everyone who lived in his area. Usually, he probably would still be asleep at this hour, but Connor really didn’t want to deal with his family that morning. He was never thinking clearly right after he woke up, and there was always a chance that he’d accidentally let something slip about…

About whatever was going on in his life right now, which he _definitely_ didn’t need to think about at all.

So he left the house early, knowing that even with how long it’d take him to arrive he would still arrive at school with some time to kill. No one reasonable would be driving by at the time, which made it significantly more confusing when a beat-up Toyota Corolla driven by Jared Kleinman pulled up next to him.

As Connor stared in complete bewilderment, Jared shoved open the passenger door before hauling himself back into the driver’s seat and grinning. “I’m assuming you need a ride?”

“Why the fuck are you here?”

“Well, as I just said, I’m offering you a ride. In case you didn’t catch that bit.”

“No, I mean—it’s not even seven yet, I don’t think. Why are you _awake_? How did you know I was out here?” Jared raised an eyebrow.

“Well, Mr. Paranoid”—Connor responded by starting to walk away “—no, calm down. I’m always driving by now.” Connor turned back slowly, disbelief visibly growing. “Jesus Christ, why?”

“Hey, I could ask the same of you. Why were you walking? Seriously, your parents are crazy rich. I mean, Jesus,” Jared laughed, “don’t you own a car?” Connor kept staring. He couldn’t exactly say _No, I don’t, because my parents have deemed me untrustworthy of owning a transportation method,_ but surely Jared could figure something like that out. 

After another few seconds of silence, Jared spoke up again. “…Just quit glaring at me and get in my fucking car, dude. I’m not gonna bite. Unless you’d be into that.” 

“Oh my god.” Connor cautiously climbed into the car, acid burning holes in his stomach. Why was Jared here? He could only think of one explanation, and it definitely wasn’t something he’d been planning to deal with this particular morning. Or maybe ever. Before he could start overthinking things, the car abruptly lurched forward and sped off at a speed roughly twice the limit of the suburban neighborhood they were driving to.

“Holy—how the fuck did you pass a driver’s test? I mean, Jesus, are you trying to get us killed?”

“I appreciate you calling me Jesus, but as you know, I’m Jewish.” Jared frowned, narrowly missing a parked Lexus as he skidded around a bend. “Wait. Wasn’t Jesus Jewish? Never mind.”

“Seriously, can you even drive? Do you have a license?” Connor felt himself starting to panic. Ever since he was little, he’d been afraid of car wrecks, to the point where he’d shut down his parents’ road trip idea at age seven because he couldn’t handle being on a freeway for longer than a few hours at a time. That fear was mostly gone now, but in certain situations it tended to flare back up, like when he was being driven around recklessly by a madman who apparently had a deathwish extending not only to himself, but anyone in a potential collision zone as well.

“Of course I have a fucking license, Murphy.” Jared paused. “I mean, I don’t have it with me, I think it’s in a drawer somewhere—“

“—Oh my fucking god—“  
“—but that’s irrelevant, we’re stopping, you can breathe again.” Jared took another unnecessarily fast swerve into a small strip mall lot, double-parking by driving directly into a stall (well, two stalls) at full speed and slamming on the brakes.

“So were you planning to, I don’t know, tell me why you drove me to, uh—“ Connor squinted through the window. “Fuck, I can’t even read that sign, it’s literally falling apart. Uh, to this broken-down suburban nightmare instead of to school, where I was actually headed in the first place?”

For a few long seconds, Jared didn’t say anything. He didn’t even make eye contact, just stared straight at the wheel in front of him. “Actually, we need to have a conversation.” His voice sounded sarcastic but artificial, with an edge of anger under it that Connor didn’t like. Jared shifted his head toward Connor, but still didn’t meet his eyes fully. “It’s about your soulmate mark.”

Connor’s blood ran cold. Which was a cliché, but also, it was true. His entire body felt painfully devoid of warmth, like all the heat had rushed out at once and left him with pins and needles in his veins. He struggled to think of a response— _for too long, it’s been too long, you’re suspicious now fuck fuck fuck_ —and came up with nothing better than “sorry, what?”

Jared laughed, and the anger in his voice was less hidden now, and there was something bitter there too. “Wow. So, uh, next time you plan on lying, try to be a little less obvious, because it’s insulting. I’m serious, you’re sitting here like—“ Jared dropped his mouth and widened his eyes exaggeratedly, blinking away the tears that came as he relaxed them. Shit. Connor had never been any good at lying. “—trying to pull of, uh ‘sorry, what?’ Yeah, that’s not working for you, no.” Jared slid in his seat, facing Connor and, for the first time since the hallway outside the cafeteria, looking him dead in the eyes. “So if you could maybe stop fucking with Evan’s head—“

“Wait, this is about _Evan?_ ”

“Yes, asshole!” Jared smacked a hand on the top of the wheel. “Fucking Christ, I saw you bump into each other between classes the other day, and—I mean— _God_ , it’s so fucking stupid! I haven’t seen Evan like this since, Jesus, eighth grade? Quit dancing around each other, and quit lying about your goddamn soulmate mark!” By the end of his speech, Jared was practically yelling, and Connor’s head was swimming.

“I—I’m not lying, about my soulmate mark.”

“Okay, well, great! That’s easy to prove.” Jared crossed his arms. Connor stared at him blankly.

“What?”

“Just show me your soulmate mark, and, if it doesn’t match Evan like you claim it does, we can just end this. You get out of my car and walk to school and tell a story about crazy Jared Kleinman to all the friends you don’t have. It’s that easy.” 

Before Connor knew what he was doing, his hands were on the dashboard and his voice was cracking. “I don’t know what the fuck you think you’re doing, you’re fucking crazy—“

“Well, yeah, crazy Jared Kleinman, that’s what I just fucking said, so—“ Jared was scared, he was trying to hide it the same way Connor was, but he also didn’t understand what was happening. Jared wasn’t an idiot. Was he? He’d get it, any second now he’d move out from the defensive position Connor had managed to scare him into, and he was still talking but Connor could barely hear him, his hand was on the handle to the door and he was kicking it open as he snarled out _“I’m fucking leaving”_ over his shoulder and he turned to get out of the car and 

Connor had pulled on a hoodie he’d found in the back of his closet in a sleep-deprived, early-morning stupor. He hadn’t realized he’d outgrown it a year ago until after he’d left the house. He hadn’t noticed that the sleeves were riding up just a little. He hadn’t figured out that if the sleeve was already a little bunched up, and if he extended his arm—like, say, to push open a door or do something similar—his wrist would be exposed.

There was a brief, terrible moment of silence that must have occurred sometime underneath the roaring in Connor’s ears. 

He shoved his sleeve down, but by then it was too late.

Jared was still talking at him, louder, yelling now, and all Connor could do was finish what he started and _go_ before—

Before nothing. Connor wasn’t thinking. He didn’t have a justification. He slammed the door open, finally, tearing at the seatbelt he’d forgotten he was wearing and as he stumbled onto the sidewalk he started running while he was still half-facing the car. He left his bag on the floor of Jared’s car and ran, ignoring the burning in his lungs and the frantic explanations of the boy behind him. 

Connor was gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> why was i gone for over a month and a half? wELL,
> 
> very long story short school has been completely kicking my ass. but! because this affected not just my ability to write fanfic but also my ability to function in school i switched some classes around and got rid of some activities and shit and now my schedule... should be somewhat balanced again? we'll see
> 
> theres supposed to be a part 2 to this chapter but i was really struggling to write it and eventually decided, fuck it, i should publish something, so i cut it partway through and here's this non-proofread thing. i'm very bad at this
> 
> this does mean i have part of the next chapter written out though so that one should be sooner like for realsies this time
> 
> thanks to everyone who left kudos and commented!! yall are the reason i found time to write occasionally despite being completely deceased this past month and im love all of u

**Author's Note:**

> updates will hopefully be every few days!! if you liked it please comment i live off validation


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